Helping Your Kids Deal with Divorce

Difficult family times

By Melissa Crossley

Children have become very well versed in the dynamics of divorce in recent years. It affects everyone in the household, but none more so than the child. Children of divorce tend to look at themselves as the reason that their parents are not together anymore, and they begin to take on grown up perspectives in regards to life and happiness. Ask any child whose parents are no longer together why and their answers will surprise you.

As Things Happen

If you are getting ready to divorce the first thing I would suggest is being open and honest as much as you can to your child. Children are not stupid and in fact are more aware to the atmosphere in the house than you may be giving them credit for. They know when you are not happy, and they can tell when things are not right. You may have noticed changes in behavior, as they are becoming angry and acting out more than usual. Allow your child to be a part of what is going on. They are a part of the family too, and they should be told what is happening.

The second thing I would do for your child give them the space they will need. They are part of the family that is no longer going to be a family. Don’t ever tell your child “it’s fine daddy will be seeing you on the weekends”. Your child will not understand why this is a good thing. It’s their father or mother you are talking about. They don’t see the problems with this person the way that you do.

Parental Tensions

Be mindful of the things you tell your child about the other parent and keep in mind that again they do not see this person the way that you do. Children have ears just like you so also be careful of what you say on the phone and to other people. While your relationship might be bad due to grown up worldly problems, your child sees his or her parents as someone that they love and will miss. Hearing one parent bad mouth the other will only cause confusion and will hurt your child. They have the right to love both parents equally and should never be put in the position of having to choose between the two of you. It’s an adult situation and should be handled by adults.

Understand that your child is hurting just as much as you are. Everything that they have relied on is changing. They will also be changing. You cannot expect them to always be happy just because you are doing your best to keep things simple for them. They will have their ups and downs the same as you will, and you have to be able to talk to you child, but more importantly you have to be able to listen to them. They need to know that even if things are changing they are still cared for and that they still have a home.

Following a Split

Be respectful of your child when you begin to date again. Know that your child may accept the person at first and then suddenly not like them. Every child will go through a phase of wishful thinking that their parents will get back together. They were raised by the two of you and in their eyes none other can compare with their parents. Realize that in their minds you might be trying to replace someone that they truly love and miss and they don’t want to see a stranger coming in and taking over.

Divorce while hard, can be a good thing. Children are better off with separate but happy parents than with two who are fighting and hate each other. And in time, they will grow to understand what’s going on and accept it. But never keep them in the dark or assume that they don’t know what’s going on. Treat you child like a person with feelings and talk to them and listen to them even if you may not want to hear what they are saying. Love your child and do whatever you can to be there for them. In time, things will even out, but it’s a rough road and one that you should work on together as much as you can.